So thankful … my family has been extremely gracious towards me with my rejections. I didn’t expect that, especially my parents who I thought would have the biggest reaction about it. Thankfully, they’ve been so supportive and loving. Praise the Lord!
The way I reacted towards hearing of my friends’ acceptances into graduate programs really reveals that my heart is in the wrong place. It reveals my sin of fear of man where I care so much about what people think that when someone else has something that I don’t have, I become envious and sad rather than being truly joyous for them. I have always struggled with fear of man and caring what others think of me, wanting their approval, wanting to feel loved and accepted, and wanting to save face/maintain my reputation. I don’t want to be chained to that sin … where I’m just constantly looking out for every little thing and where if something goes wrong, everything shatters and crumbles before me. I want to show that yeah, I’m human. I go through trials. I make mistakes. I’m imperfect. But that’s part of being human, isn’t it? And that’s the beauty of the gospel … that God would love such a sinner as me, the worst of sinners … why can’t I just be truly honest with people? I pray that God would help me to let go of idealized idea of myself and embrace myself for who I am, flaws and all. I pray that I would have no shame in who I am, and that my true hope and satisfaction and lasting joy would be in Christ, not in what others say about me or in their approval of me.
God, change my heart. Mold me to become more like you.