For some reason, I started going through my old blog posts on WordPress all the way back to my xanga days in high school. It was really crazy to see my thoughts during various seasons of my life – different struggles, joys, emotions, and the things I valued at the time. I can truly see God’s providential hand over my life in protecting me as I tried to pursue my joy in others, especially boys, even before I had committed my life to the Lord.
I can see what an idol feeling loved or having man’s approval was for me during high school and my early college years. I was so controlled by what boys thought of me that it became my identity. I wasn’t secure in who I was, so my value and worth was reflected in whether boys liked me or not.
Reading about my various heartaches, confusion, and unhealthy friendships with boys in which I led them on in pursuit of my own selfish desire to feel loved and accepted, I can truly see how God was working to prevent me from further going down a path of destruction, but instead slowly lead me to Him. So many of the boys who I liked during the early years of college had ex-girlfriends who they ended up getting back together with, or people who they ended up pursuing instead of me, and even though at the time I was SO hurt, confused, and heartbroken, this was God’s grace to me. This was his way of protecting me and sanctifying me.
Imagine what would have happened if I had continued relationships with these non-believing guys. Where would my life be right now? Would I have fallen further into sexual sin? Would I have potentially married a non-believer? Would I have even come to know Christ?
Thank you Lord for those years of brokenness and heartache that taught me that finding satisfaction in boys and others will never satisfy. Thank you for shielding me from Satan’s harm by preventing me from continuing relationships with boys who loved the things of earth and not the things above. Thank you for planting a supernatural desire to go back to church my junior year of college (by your grace and Spirit) and for the sure conviction to break up with my non-believing boyfriend at the time. Thank you for slowly planting seeds in my heart and growing a desire to pursue Christ and eventually commit my life wholeheartedly to you. Thank you for showing me that only you can truly satisfy and bring everlasting joy in my heart. Thank you for bringing me to Lighthouse Bible Church after I graduated and for growing me exponentially through gospel-centered preaching and the love of the church body, showing me what it looks like to live a life that is pleasing to you. Thank you for continuing to grow my heart for the Lord and for your enduring faithfulness in my life. Help me to love God above anything else on this earth.
You are so good, Lord. You are so good. All glory to God alone!